Happy New Year

Happy New Year

As you probably know, 2007 has been officially designated as The Year of the Sprout and to celebrate I intend to attempt to break the world record for the most Brussel sprouts eaten during the course of a year.

The record is currently held by Elmer Hogwash of Des Moines, Iowa, USA who ate over 280,000 sprouts between January 2002 and the following September when he suddenly gave up for reasons that still remain unclear.


Well, I'm going to try to reach the magic number of 500,000 sprouts eaten. That's half a million sprouts eaten over the course of a year. This works out at about 77 sprouts an hour, assuming I'm eating for 20 hours a day.

I'll be helped in my quest by the knowledge that every sprout I eat is raising money for a good cause. I'm asking people to sponsor me so that I can raise money for the Greater Ormond Street Hospital for Sick Little Children.

So that's where you can help. Even if you only sponsor a penny a sprout that will still be 50,000 pounds raised just by your contribution alone.

So don't be stingy. Anyone offering ten pence or more per sprout will be entitled to have a sprout named after them.

And now I must go to get in some practice before the serious eating starts tomorrow.

A sprout-related link:


Sprout record

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas, Chaps*

Christmas isn't what it was though, is it?

I remember when I was a child, on Christmas morning our parents would give us all a haircut and then make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. . .

I heard a strange story concerning Christmas from Australia. Don't know if it's true or not.

Some years ago, a family emigrated from the UK to Australia.
During their first Christmas there, their 11 year old daughter was suddenly struck dumb. No amount of doctors could find out what was wrong with her, despite all sorts of tests.

So she had to endure many years of not being able to speak a word. Then, when she was in her mid-twenties, she had a sudden coughing fit and coughed up an object and her speech immediately came back. It turned out that the object was a sixpence that had been put in the Christmas pud all those years ago.**

Funny thing was, when she started talking again she had a broad Aussie accent despite having an English accent when she first lost her voice.

Still, it's a funny old world, innit eh? Eh?





*Using the word 'chaps' in its non-gender specific meaning of course.

**It used to be the custom to put coins in Christmas puddings. Nowadays people use credit cards.

The North Pole

Here are some photos of Santa's North Pole Grotto, located in the Galleries shopping centre.
It is such a realistic depiction of the North Pole that it's fooled several leading polar explorers.

Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE, the famous explorer, recently turned up with half a team of huskies (he'd had to eat the others), only to find he was in the wrong place.

"When I arrived there something seemed wrong," said the posh git, "there were far more people there than I expected. Then it dawned on me that I was in a shopping mall. I felt a right Wally"

The Polar Exploration Society has urged the council to improve signage to prevent a repeat of this tragedy.

Bristol T-shirts

A clothing stall in St. Nick's market is doing a good line in Bristol-related
T shirts.
Above - Severn Beach.
In reality Severn Beach is a sad place, full of ghosts. It used to be a seaside resort but fell out of favour, probably because it isn't near the sea.

It's on the Severn Estuary and the only attraction now is the nearby second Severn Crossing.



Nempnett Thrubwell. A village south of Bristol, near Chew Magna




If you're looking to make it in the movies, make sure it's Hollywood you go to and not Withywood, which is a bleak suburb on the extremities of Bristol and, as far as I know, has no film industry to speak of.



Some of the "Bristol" expressions seem a bit suspect ("Gert Lush"? I've never heard anyone say that). However, I can vouch for "Cheers, Droive" when leaving a bus. Don't they say that everywhere though?

Stay safe this Christmas

A popular Christmas decoration this year is a little model of Santa climbing in the window.

However, police have warned against them. They say that these decorative Santas could provide cover for murderous, red-cloaked dwarves (like that one in the film Don't Look Now) to carry out their nefarious activities.

So the message is: Stay safe this Christmas. Don't put up decorations. Keep all doors and windows locked. Don't go out. Don't let anybody in your house, even if you know them (Often people you know are the most dangerous).
Wear a crash helmet and protective goggles at all times. Avoid food and drink unless it's really essential.

Concorde

Today a lorry from Concorde Couriers stopped outside. They weren't delivering Concorde, only furniture. Just as well really, a small terraced street like this is no place for a supersonic aircraft.
I think they've got the nose wrong on the picture. Surely the most prominent feature of Concorde was its pointing down nose?

I wonder if anybody else has had a lorry with an inaccurately drawn plane on the side stop outside their house recently?

Trees in Eastville Park

Jellyfish Alert!

If you were thinking of taking a dip in the sea today, then think again.
Last night, in the wee small hours, I heard a disturbing radio programme about jellyfish.

It turns out they're increasing by the bucketload, especially in areas that have been overfished.

As well as being able to kill people with their stings, they have recently brought a US warship to its knees (I know warships don't have knees, but you know what I mean), by blocking the water intake.

They've also caused similar problems to nuclear power stations in the Phillipines and Japan.

I've forgotten what else they've done, but the main gist is that jellyfish are taking over the world and we're all going to die or become slaves to jellyfish and have to live under jellyfish laws.

Some bits and bobs about jellyfish:

They haven't got a brain. Is a brain what separates plants from animals? Do all animals, however tiny, have a brain? They must be very small. Can you imagine an aphid's brain? It's no wonder you never hear of brain surgery being performed on aphids. You'd have to have very tiny surgical instruments and a keen-eyed surgeon.

There's lots of old computers around these days. Surely someone could wire one up to a jellyfish as a rudimentary thinking device? I would have a go, but I find that when I tamper with the fundamentals of nature, I often end up unleashing deadly forces that I can't control.

The Box jellyfish is the most venomous creature known to man (they didn't say what's the most venomous creature known to women).

Some jellyfish have twenty-four eyes. But what's the use of two dozen eyes without a brain to connect them to?

The Portuguese Man O'War is known as the Bluebottle in Australia. Seems a bit of a comedown.
It isn't really a jellyfish at all, but a colony of four different sorts of polyps.

Don't ask me what a polyp is. Although I do know that young jellyfish are called polyps.

That's about it for jellyfish.

Bootlace Review

We review bootlaces so you don't have to...



These bootlaces came in an attractive yellow packaging. The advertised price is 89p, though you may be able to negotiate a reduction if you can demonstrate excessive anger or distress.
Don't overdo it though, or you may be banned from the shop.

Inside the clear plastic covering, the bootlaces were kept together by a paper band. On one side of this band is the word 'Solace'. I think this is a joke.

Upon opening the packet, I found the laces to be in first class condition and of adequate length. In fact, they were too long; I realised that I wanted laces for shoes not boots.
After pondering the problem for a long time and consulting with various experts, I devised a way of reducing the length of the excess lace by tying them twice, thereby minimising the trip-risk factor.

Taking a walk in my newly-laced footware, I found the laces excellent at keeping my shoes on my feet. I only fell on my face once during the walk and that was due to excessive alcohol consumption rather than lace tripping.

In every other respect they performed well. They didn't catch fire or turn into giant snakes and try to eat me, and I don't think most people even noticed that I had new laces in my shoes.

During the war, we often had to use our bootlaces to garotte sentries at ammunition bases that we were going to blow up. Unfortunately, current UK legislation prohibits me from testing their effectiveness for this purpose. The laces don't look particularly strong though, so my advice is to double them up if you're using them for assassinations.

All in all, these were a perfectly adequate pair of bootlaces and I would certainly consider buying another pair if they'll let me back in the shop.








Advertisement

Do you have trouble tying your shoelaces?

Are you fed up with the embarrassment of having to ask complete strangers to tie your shoes for you? Are you sick of tripping over in the street because your laces are undone?

Well, help is at hand.

Many local authorities are now offering evening classes in shoelace tying. A short course can lead to an NVQ in lace tying and pave the way to Advanced Shoelace Studies. Consult your local library for details; tell them I sent you.

In the meantime, here's a simple guide to avoiding shoelace-related pitfalls


Right - The laces on each shoe should not be connected to each other.



Wrong - going out like this is asking for trouble.



Remember the Three Shoes Rule - if you find
that you're having to wear more than three shoes
on a regular basis, then seek medical advice.




All pictures posed by models

This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquariums

"IIIII've been thinking about getting an aquarium,
so homeless fish can come and live with me,
and IIIIIII'd make sure that I took good care ee um,
and fed them all quite regularly*"

"*but taking care not to overfeed .

A verse from that timeless classic "I'm Going Back to Selling Harmoniums"




I've got an aquarium. Containing: FISH

Yes, I've been given an aquarium. It came from a man who is going to America.
In these days of heightened security, you're no longer allowed to take aquariums on planes, so he gave it to me.

It contains the fish shown above, plus three little fishies and one other fish that looks like a small eel and lives on the bottom. I must find out how to look after them, but they look happy enough at present. Though I'm not quite sure how to tell if a fish looks happy.

They say that a goldfish never forgets, but to be honest, they don't have an awful lot to remember in their daily lives, do they? No shopping lists or anything. Or if they did it would be fairly short - fishfood. That's it.

Motorhead sponsor Greenbank football team

Motorhead sponsor Greenbank football team

but it's Greenbank, Lincs.

A Taxi Driver writes...

'Ere, I had that DJ Derekin the back of the cab last night. He was off to do a gig at the Blue Mountain (which isn't a mountain, it's a night club). He stood at the front and chatted to some of the girls going to town - "I bet I'm the only DJ who goes to gigs using his OAP Bus Pass!"

They asked him where his records were and he tapped a little shoulder bag -"All on minidisk now"

The Framley Examiner

The Framley Examiner

Cranes

There's more and more concrete and steel rising in the Broadmead development.
The cranes will soon be gone.





Reflection in the glass Spectrum building.



Cranes overshadowing St Paul's church.

By the way, I was right about what they're building; it is going to be shops. Or rather a shop. I was talking to one of the workmen and he told me that they were building the largest shoe shop in the world, with a sales floor measured in square miles. Unfortunately they are only going to sell left shoes and not complete pairs. I don't know why that is, maybe so as not to offend one legged people. I don't know. It's political correctness gone mad if you ask me.

Halloween

camera shake



Crop Circles




Gratitude Road. with flash, and without below.

Robertson Road

From the top of Robertson Road.
It looks steeper than it is


A few of the houses have stone heads above the doors.












At the bottom of the road is Kebele, an anarchist collective.
They've been there about ten years now


Graffiti on Kebele's wall. I like the cartoon below.
It shows a cat drawing a picture of a cat kicking a dog,
blissfully unaware of the heavy-looking dogs approaching.


They're not great fans of the U.S.



Some window decorations


The view from Robertson Road towards the cemetery.
You could almost be in the countryside.

Sorry.
I got knocked down by a lorry and I've been in a coma for some time.

I'm feeling a lot better now though; I was able to crouch under the sink for several hours today.

So here's an update:
Haircut. I have had one haircut.
Hedgehogs. One hedgehog.
Graffiti. A work team cleaned all the graffiti in the alley. It's gone.
Ramadan has ended. Monday for Kurdish people and Tuesday for Pakistan. I saw the new moon tonight in a clear sky.
Golf. I've still never played golf and don't intend to.
Ben Nevis. Never been there. I hear it's the highest mountain in Britain.
Corkscrews. I've got two. But one is falling apart.
The cat killed a frog.
Here's a link to a slightly amusing video.

Mivart Art

Here are photos from the Mivart Street Exhibition.

Above: Shelly's Flag made mostly of found material.

Below: Flag detail


Someone made a bike out of a carpet.



The view from one of the windows - photoshopped a bit