Bootlace Review

We review bootlaces so you don't have to...



These bootlaces came in an attractive yellow packaging. The advertised price is 89p, though you may be able to negotiate a reduction if you can demonstrate excessive anger or distress.
Don't overdo it though, or you may be banned from the shop.

Inside the clear plastic covering, the bootlaces were kept together by a paper band. On one side of this band is the word 'Solace'. I think this is a joke.

Upon opening the packet, I found the laces to be in first class condition and of adequate length. In fact, they were too long; I realised that I wanted laces for shoes not boots.
After pondering the problem for a long time and consulting with various experts, I devised a way of reducing the length of the excess lace by tying them twice, thereby minimising the trip-risk factor.

Taking a walk in my newly-laced footware, I found the laces excellent at keeping my shoes on my feet. I only fell on my face once during the walk and that was due to excessive alcohol consumption rather than lace tripping.

In every other respect they performed well. They didn't catch fire or turn into giant snakes and try to eat me, and I don't think most people even noticed that I had new laces in my shoes.

During the war, we often had to use our bootlaces to garotte sentries at ammunition bases that we were going to blow up. Unfortunately, current UK legislation prohibits me from testing their effectiveness for this purpose. The laces don't look particularly strong though, so my advice is to double them up if you're using them for assassinations.

All in all, these were a perfectly adequate pair of bootlaces and I would certainly consider buying another pair if they'll let me back in the shop.








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Do you have trouble tying your shoelaces?

Are you fed up with the embarrassment of having to ask complete strangers to tie your shoes for you? Are you sick of tripping over in the street because your laces are undone?

Well, help is at hand.

Many local authorities are now offering evening classes in shoelace tying. A short course can lead to an NVQ in lace tying and pave the way to Advanced Shoelace Studies. Consult your local library for details; tell them I sent you.

In the meantime, here's a simple guide to avoiding shoelace-related pitfalls


Right - The laces on each shoe should not be connected to each other.



Wrong - going out like this is asking for trouble.



Remember the Three Shoes Rule - if you find
that you're having to wear more than three shoes
on a regular basis, then seek medical advice.




All pictures posed by models

This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquariums

"IIIII've been thinking about getting an aquarium,
so homeless fish can come and live with me,
and IIIIIII'd make sure that I took good care ee um,
and fed them all quite regularly*"

"*but taking care not to overfeed .

A verse from that timeless classic "I'm Going Back to Selling Harmoniums"




I've got an aquarium. Containing: FISH

Yes, I've been given an aquarium. It came from a man who is going to America.
In these days of heightened security, you're no longer allowed to take aquariums on planes, so he gave it to me.

It contains the fish shown above, plus three little fishies and one other fish that looks like a small eel and lives on the bottom. I must find out how to look after them, but they look happy enough at present. Though I'm not quite sure how to tell if a fish looks happy.

They say that a goldfish never forgets, but to be honest, they don't have an awful lot to remember in their daily lives, do they? No shopping lists or anything. Or if they did it would be fairly short - fishfood. That's it.

Motorhead sponsor Greenbank football team

Motorhead sponsor Greenbank football team

but it's Greenbank, Lincs.

A Taxi Driver writes...

'Ere, I had that DJ Derekin the back of the cab last night. He was off to do a gig at the Blue Mountain (which isn't a mountain, it's a night club). He stood at the front and chatted to some of the girls going to town - "I bet I'm the only DJ who goes to gigs using his OAP Bus Pass!"

They asked him where his records were and he tapped a little shoulder bag -"All on minidisk now"

The Framley Examiner

The Framley Examiner

Cranes

There's more and more concrete and steel rising in the Broadmead development.
The cranes will soon be gone.





Reflection in the glass Spectrum building.



Cranes overshadowing St Paul's church.

By the way, I was right about what they're building; it is going to be shops. Or rather a shop. I was talking to one of the workmen and he told me that they were building the largest shoe shop in the world, with a sales floor measured in square miles. Unfortunately they are only going to sell left shoes and not complete pairs. I don't know why that is, maybe so as not to offend one legged people. I don't know. It's political correctness gone mad if you ask me.

Halloween

camera shake



Crop Circles




Gratitude Road. with flash, and without below.