Bootlace Review

We review bootlaces so you don't have to...



These bootlaces came in an attractive yellow packaging. The advertised price is 89p, though you may be able to negotiate a reduction if you can demonstrate excessive anger or distress.
Don't overdo it though, or you may be banned from the shop.

Inside the clear plastic covering, the bootlaces were kept together by a paper band. On one side of this band is the word 'Solace'. I think this is a joke.

Upon opening the packet, I found the laces to be in first class condition and of adequate length. In fact, they were too long; I realised that I wanted laces for shoes not boots.
After pondering the problem for a long time and consulting with various experts, I devised a way of reducing the length of the excess lace by tying them twice, thereby minimising the trip-risk factor.

Taking a walk in my newly-laced footware, I found the laces excellent at keeping my shoes on my feet. I only fell on my face once during the walk and that was due to excessive alcohol consumption rather than lace tripping.

In every other respect they performed well. They didn't catch fire or turn into giant snakes and try to eat me, and I don't think most people even noticed that I had new laces in my shoes.

During the war, we often had to use our bootlaces to garotte sentries at ammunition bases that we were going to blow up. Unfortunately, current UK legislation prohibits me from testing their effectiveness for this purpose. The laces don't look particularly strong though, so my advice is to double them up if you're using them for assassinations.

All in all, these were a perfectly adequate pair of bootlaces and I would certainly consider buying another pair if they'll let me back in the shop.








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Do you have trouble tying your shoelaces?

Are you fed up with the embarrassment of having to ask complete strangers to tie your shoes for you? Are you sick of tripping over in the street because your laces are undone?

Well, help is at hand.

Many local authorities are now offering evening classes in shoelace tying. A short course can lead to an NVQ in lace tying and pave the way to Advanced Shoelace Studies. Consult your local library for details; tell them I sent you.

In the meantime, here's a simple guide to avoiding shoelace-related pitfalls


Right - The laces on each shoe should not be connected to each other.



Wrong - going out like this is asking for trouble.



Remember the Three Shoes Rule - if you find
that you're having to wear more than three shoes
on a regular basis, then seek medical advice.




All pictures posed by models