Rhubarb and Marmite

As you may have noticed, I haven't had very much to write about lately, so I thought I'd tell you about what I've been eating - rhubarb and marmite.

Not together of course (that would be illegal), but enough to ramble on for a few paragraphs.


I've eaten so much rhubarb lately that it's started coming out of my eyes. People think I'm crying until they lick the "tears" off the ground and find that it's rhubarb juice.

I've been trying to find out some interesting facts about rhubarb but it seems a bit humdrum. There are over 60 varieties of rhubarb, including a medicinal rhubarb, Rheum officinale, and varieties that make you grow very tall or shrink.

Rhubarb is indigenous to Asia and apparently grows in profusion along the banks of the Volga river. Where's the Volga? Well, I looked it up. It's in Russia (I did know that already) and flows through the cities of Gorki, Volgograd (formerly Stalingrad) until it reaches the Caspian Sea at Astrakhan. It's the longest river in Europe, although it seems to come out in Asia, which is probably cheating a bit.

And so to Marmite. Marmite is a black sticky substance made out of tar that's left over from road making. It's quite popular in the UK. Is it sold anywhere else? I don't know.

People either love it or hate it or are quite indifferent to it or refuse to answer Marmite-related questions.

It's sold in jars ranging from the smallest size (0.3grams), that you can hardly see to the gigantic 7 tonne version. But lately they've brought out a new-fangled squeezy jar. I gave it a try, thinking no harm would come of it, but how wrong I was.

The trouble is it's only squeezy till the container is half empty. Then you just can't get the Marmite out. You have to take the top off and it all gets very messy.

Last Wednesday I was rushed to hospital, covered in Marmite and in a confused and distressed state. It took the hospital staff several hours to eat all the Marmite off me.

The doctor said I should try to eat more sensibly in future.