My attic is full of junk and is doing nothing much at the moment. I'd like to try and use it for something more interesting and I've come up with a scheme that looks a bit crazy at first glance but, who knows, might just work.
My plan is to convert the attic into a dolphinarium.
Some people think this is a stupid idea, but I don't know. True, there would be problems. I not sure what the animal rights situation is. Is it cruel to keep dolphins in attics? And then there's the weight of the water on the rafters. And do I need planning permission? Or a dolphin licence?
But no pain, no gain, as they say. Problems were meant to be overcome. I thought I'd have two dolphins called Flipper and Flapper. Not very original, I know, but to be honest, naming them isn't the highest priority on my agenda right now.
There are other, more pressing problems - How much fish will I need to feed them? Where can I get it? I live about 20 miles from the sea, but I'm fairly busy at present. I don't know if I could spare the time every day to go and catch a load of fish. Would they eat fish-flavoured cat food, do you think? It wouldn't look as good when they jumped up to catch it, but it might serve as a stop-gap measure.
Anyway, I'm not doing this just for the money;I genuinely want to help conserve these wonderful creatures. But of course a few quid would come in handy.
I'm not sure where I could put all the spectators, as there won't be a lot of room in the attic. They could go on the roof, I suppose. I could make holes in the roof so they could peer in and watch F and F doing their tricks. In fact, wouldn't it be good if they leapt out of one hole then back down another. People would be able to see that from the street. I could charge them a reduced fee to watch it from there.
Of course, having a load of spectators on my roof would open a whole new can of worms regarding safety. I would definitely have to have a cordon around the edge and probably employ extra staff to marshall them. It's things like this that pile on the cost and make you wonder if it's all worth while.
I don't know if I'd allow people to get in the tank and swim with the dolphins. Obviously if it was a sick person seeking a cure then I'd lend a sympathetic ear but, by and large, I think we should try and preserve the dignity of these highly intelligent creatures.
Well, I think I've talked myself into it. The night is still young, so I'll get started on the conversion straight away.
If anyone knows where I can buy some dolphins, please let me know. Can you get them on E-bay, I wonder?
8 comments:
Whilst well meaning I consider your conservationist intentions misplaced. Its reasonably well known that the Blue Whale is far more endangered than the dolphin and a collection of these would be a much better use of your loft space.
Are you sure you're not just making a big assumption that dolphins only eat fish? I mean, they only eat fish in the sea because that's the only thing available, but that's not to say it's the only thing they CAN eat. It's like assuming that someone from France can ONLY eat onions.
You should try them on something else (Hummus? Soup?) I bet they'd jump at the chance. Or at least stand on their tails making clicking noises.
Yeh, after weighing everything up I've come to the conclusion that keeping dolphins would be far too much trouble and not compatible with general principles of conservation and animal welfare.
So, it's going to have to be porpoises then.
I don't think anyone gives a fuck about porpoises though, to be honest. When did you last see "porpoise friendly" on your can of tuna? When did you last hear of a sick kid sent to swim with them?
I know I wouldn't fork out any hard-earned cash just to see porpoises in a specially designed attic porpoisareum in Bristol, that's for sure. I would however pay quite a lot to see a giant squid - or its larger cousin, the colossal squid. Have you considered the possibilities that invertebrates might offer you?
I care about porpoises
Apparently Ringo Starr wrote the song "Octopus's Garden" after being told by a fisherman in Sardinia that octopuses really do make little gardens with shiny coloured stones.
I wouldn't really want giant squid in the attic though, not after what happened last time.
Do you think they send sick squid to swim with dolphins (or are they rounded up to a tenner?)
you mean a 'stenner'
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